Is it me? Am I the drama?
TRIGGER WARNING - this article discusses domestic violence.
“Most definitely not!”, “Hmmm… Maybe…”, “Yes!” - which of your best buds are you turning to, to answer that question? Your friend who will ride, die and hide the body with you? The friend who doesn’t like to ruffle your feathers? Or your pal who is the definition of brutal truth, and you hide from at all costs when you are not in the mood for the reality check?
Asking ourselves and our friends “Am I the drama? Am I the problem?” can be incredibly confronting. It is totally normal that at times we seek out the friends who are going to tell us what we want to hear, but at times we also need to go to the friend (or counsellor) who might bring a reality check to the table.
When it comes down to it, it will often be 1 of 3 answers… No, maybe it’s both of you, or yes - it’s you babe!
No, you are not the drama!
Whilst this blog post started in a playful manner, there are times when we can absolutely say “No, you are not the drama!”… in fact the problem in the relationship is that the other party is perpetrating abuse to assert a dynamic of power and control.
Having worked with victims/survivors of domestic violence and childhood trauma for almost a decade, one of the biggest themes that has come up in the counselling room has been victims questioning their responsibility for the abuse, and the problems in the relationship. This is gaslighting 101! Gaslighting is a tactic used by perpetrators of domestic violence, where perpetrators will manipulate and psychologically abuse their victim by:
making them question their reality
convincing them that abuse is not happening
doubling down on lying / denial even when there is evidential proof
projecting their own behaviour on to the victim (eg. accusations of cheating)
telling the victim they are imagining things, or using mental health diagnoses against them
use of DARVO - deny and reverse victim offender, where perpetrators will tell others and use systems to make it appear they are the one being abused
Gaslighting will usually occur along other forms of abuse (physical, verbal, sexual, social, financial), all which make the victims world smaller and more fearful of not being believed.
If you think that you could be in a relationship where domestic violence is occurring, there is assistance out there, and you will be believed! In NSW you can call 1800 RESPECT or the DV Hotline on 1800 65 64 63, or reach out to therapeutic services to support you. Please remember - your safety comes first!
(Side note - if you are the partner doing the abusing, then yes babe, it’s you, you’re the drama! And it is incredibly harmful. Please seek help to stop and change!).
Mens Behaviour Change - 1300 766 491
Mens Referral Service - 1300 766 491
Or reach out to a private counsellor, or your GP for private referral options.
Gaslighting
An emotional abuse to burn your sanity.
2. “Hmmm… maybe… it’s both of you?”
Sometimes two people can come together in a relationship and just not have the tools to make it healthy and functional. Whether this is because of the wounds and trauma that the individuals bring, or because of hurt that has arisen within the context of the relationship, such as any form of betrayal or cheating.
The following might indicate there is struggle in a relationship:
high levels of conflict that involving arguing and yelling
difficulty making compromises
high levels of codependence or alternatively living completely separate lives within the relationships
inequality across a lot of relationship domains (finances, household labour, decision making, parenting)
one person’s needs are consistently prioritised over the other
there is low alignment on values and goals
There are no perfect relationships, but healthy relationships require a commitment from both parties to respectful communication, boundaries, and with trust where neither party has to question the safety or security in the relationship.
If there is drama in the relationship that is mutually shared, it could be useful to consider individual and / or couples therapy if there is a mutual desire to continue the relationship.
3. “Yes. It’s you!”
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! It can be so hard to come into knowing that you are the problem in your relationships, whether this is intimate, or with friends and family.
Examples of problematic behaviour in relationships include:
High levels of emotional reactivity, eg. anger outbursts, storming out
Making the other person feel responsible for your safety and/or wellbeing eg. threats of self-harm / end your life
Trying to take control of everything
Perpetrating tactics of violence (verbal, emotional, psychological, physical, socially isolating your partner, using children as tools for manipulation, etc)
Lying and cheating
There are many factors which can contribute to not bringing your best self into the relationship, whether it is social attitudes and beliefs, experiences of trauma, mental health issues or attachment issues formed through the relationship with your primary caregivers. Whilst elements of these issues may be present on both sides, you can only ever take responsibility for your side of the street!
So… what do you think? Is it you? Are you the drama?
Written by Nicole Staats
Principal Counsellor at The Dawn