Shame: the power of the unspeakable
Shame is a complex and powerful emotion that can have a profound impact on our lives. It is a deep sense of embarrassment, guilt, and unworthiness that arises when we believe we have violated social norms or failed to meet our own expectations.
Brene Brown
If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment, If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.
What is Shame?
Shame can be understood as a self-conscious emotion, distinct from guilt. While guilt arises from a sense of having done something wrong, shame stems from a belief that we ourselves are inherently flawed or defective. Shame can manifest in various forms, ranging from mild embarrassment to overwhelming feelings of humiliation and inadequacy. It often emerges as a result of societal expectations, cultural norms, or personal standards and experiences we internalise.
Shame is not just a cognitive or emotional experience; it also has profound physical effects. When shame takes hold, we may notice physiological changes such as a flushed face, lowered gaze, increased heart rate, shallow breathing, muscle tension, and a desire to withdraw or hide. These bodily sensations often intensify the emotional distress associated with shame.
The uncomfortable purpose of shame
While shame can be distressing, it serves important biological and social functions. Biologically, shame acts as a regulator of social behaviour, discouraging actions that might jeopardise our social standing or acceptance within a group. From an evolutionary perspective, shame acts as a protective mechanism to maintain social cohesion and ensure adherence to societal norms.
Shame can also serve to keep us safe, from when vulnerability or anger may cause mean a lack of safety.
“Your shame kept you alive. You couldn’t afford to hate the people who hut your, or failed to love you, so you had to hate yourself. When your needs weren’t met, you couldn’t afford to get angry that they weren’t being met, so you concluded that you were wrong to have needs instead. Your shame prevented an uprising.”
The journey of Unshaming:
Whilst shame has a function, carrying the burden of shame for too long can have detrimental effects on our mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
The journey of unshaming where it no longer serves may be helped by the following strategies:
Recognise and challenge shame-based beliefs: Start by becoming aware of the negative beliefs and self-judgments that fuel shame. Question their validity and consider alternative perspectives. Understand that making mistakes or falling short of expectations is a part of being human, and it does not define your worth as an individual.
Cultivate self-compassion: Practice self-compassion by extending the same kindness, understanding, and forgiveness to yourself that you would offer to a close friend. Treat yourself with empathy, acknowledging that everyone has flaws and experiences setbacks.
Share your shame with a trusted individual: Shame thrives in secrecy and isolation. Find a supportive friend, family member, or therapist with whom you can share your shame. Verbalizing your feelings and receiving empathy can help alleviate the emotional burden and provide a fresh perspective.
Challenge societal and cultural norms: Examine the societal or cultural expectations that contribute to your shame. Consider whether these standards are realistic or healthy, and challenge the notion that your worth is solely determined by meeting these standards. Surround yourself with people and communities that promote acceptance and authenticity.
Practice vulnerability and self-acceptance: Allow yourself to be vulnerable by sharing your authentic self with others who are safe and worthy of seeing these parts of you. Embrace imperfections and celebrate your strengths. Engage in activities that bring you joy and nurture a positive self-image.
Seek professional help if needed: If shame is significantly impacting your daily life, relationships, or mental health, seeking professional help from a therapist or counsellor can provide valuable support and guidance in navigating through shame-related issues.
Shame is a powerful emotion that can deeply affect our lives. By understanding its nature, recognising its impacts on our bodies and minds, and implementing strategies to overcome its burden, we can gradually release ourselves from the grip of shame. You are worth of self-acceptance, compassion, and the freedom to live authentically.
Written by Nicole Staats
Principal Counsellor
The Dawn Therapeutic Services